The Seven Stages of a New Writer

A Satire.

Stage 1: Hopeful. Timid fingers tap across the keyboard. A story forms. How exciting! It had a beginning, a middle, and an end. He reads it through, again and again, making sure the flow is smooth and the writing is clear.

Stage 2: Elation. At last! He has finished a few stories! Now to get them published. Excited, trembling he finds a list of possible places to send his work. There are so many. Who will have the privilege of first publishing this dynamic new writer? He sends off his work, a tear in his eye.

Stage 3: Dreamy. Which award will he win? The Stoker? The Nebula?

Stage 4: Denial. Ouch, a rejection! How could they reject a great story like that? Look at the drivel they publish by "established" writers! All those -ing words and adverbs!

Stage 5: Grief. More rejections. He's a terrible writer. He should give up. His time might be better spent surfing the internet. Or taking up a new hobby. He was good at pinewood derbies so long ago. Ah, the innocence of youth. His wife says things like "Oh God, do I have to hear this again?"

Stage 6: Anger. Even more rejection. What's with these editors? He can't be that bad! Form after form. Look at all those horrible writers on the internet. They don't even have complete sentences! He writes a story about how the evil editor gets eaten by an alien plant. That'll show 'em!

Stage 7: Bargaining. Forget the Nebula. He just wants to publish in a reputable magazine.

Okay, a pro magazine.

Okay, a semipro magazine.

Doesn't anyone want to read his stories?

Stage 8: Non-acceptance. He won't accept defeat. Ever. Repeat.




P.S.: As an interesting side note, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who came up with the Five Stages of Grief, was convinced of the validity of near death experiences.